PARENT COUNSELLING
Emotions are the basis for personal development and interaction with others. They are an engine that we all carry within us. Emotions are unconscious reactions that prepare our body to react to any situation and function as signals. Through them we communicate both feelings of discomfort and well-being.
Your children communicate with you through their emotions which often translate into behaviours, ways of expressing themselves.
Through emotional expression we observe the attempts of each person to establish, maintain, change or terminate a relationship with the environment. Emotions serve preferably to regulate relationships between people and having a good management of emotions makes us more competent to face the obstacles of our daily life.
The emotional reactions that parents have make them advance in their understanding of the rules and of the value that their behaviour deserves. And it is this valuation that will gradually generate a whole range of feelings: pride, shame, envy, guilt.
A large part of their knowledge is acquired by capturing the emotional situations and interactions that they evoke in their protagonists. The family environment is one of the contexts in which the development of emotional competence can be fostered.
Parents are the first effective link that their children have, you are the engine of their development and the role model to follow. It is where the first interactions take place and Empathy can be trained. Encouraging good emotional development allows you to experience and share positive emotions.
Educating in emotions is like a pension plan, invest in your future as parents and in the future of your children. if you give them a good foundation, they will have an easier time dealing with all the events that happen throughout their lives, that is to say, they will have more tools and will know how to manage them better, in a healthier and calmer way.
Acquiring good communication skills is essential to improve our quality of life, express our emotions, thoughts and solve problems.
Children's communication is partly a reflection of who their parents are, so parents are responsible for defining the communication style of the family and are the main role models for their children.
We have to be coherent with the way he communicates and what he demands from his children. If a parent calls continuously and has an aggressive communication we can only expect two reactions from our children: that they communicate in the same way and/or that they inhibit themselves, that is to say, that they adopt a passive communication.
When people lack communication skills, they may feel frustrated, isolated and unlikely to receive help or to integrate into a group.
It is therefore important to understand assertive communication as a tool that allows people to get to know each other and improves the relationship between parents and children.
Often, homework and/or homework-related tasks end up creating a negative dynamic within the family environment.
Homework should be understood as a commitment that your child must make, but without needing your constant support and guidance. In other words, we should not sit next to them.
Doing homework with them generates dependence and if our child has difficulties, it reinforces the idea that he/she is not capable of doing it alone.
The parent-child relationship, and with it communication, has been schooled. We are facing a generation of parents who are more educated than previous generations and therefore, indirectly, the obligation to participate in this moment has been created. School, homework, grades end up being the main core of communication.
The relationship with our children goes beyond everything that has to do with school and homework. It is clear that you are the parents of your children and therefore you must accompany them, but getting involved in doing their homework cannot mean doing their children's homework. You must take on the role of coaches to organise and advise with the aim of improving their performance.
It is therefore necessary to equip yourself with the necessary tools that will allow you to face this moment with complete peace of mind and serenity.
Grief is an emotional process that is triggered after a loss. It does not only occur with the death of a loved one, but can also occur after a separation process, a change of home, a change of school, etc.
Accompanying children and adolescents who have lost a loved one can be a difficult process to manage.
Children's reactions to an actual loss are similar to the feelings and emotions experienced by adults, but the way in which they express them tends to be more varied, more prolonged in time and more or less intense.
Throughout this process it is important to learn to identify the emotional and behavioural reactions of children and adolescents even if the sense of loss is not evident.
Asking for help and counselling in a grief process can help us to understand children and better manage the situation of suffering.
Deciding to separate is not an easy situation, especially if there are children. In these situations there are many doubts that arise, especially when it comes to passing on the news to the children.
How individual children may react depends on their age, personality, adaptability and the specific circumstances of the separation and divorce process.
Therefore, throughout the process, it is very important to take into account the emotional needs of children, observe them, detect warning signs and intervene to normalise the situation.
Good counselling at this time can help us to understand our children's reactions and attitudes and to deal with the divorce process in a healthier and calmer way.
Clashes between siblings are normal and natural. They should be experienced as just another stage in their growth.
Usually fights between siblings are over silly things, because they want something that there is only one of, because they don't agree on what they want to see on TV....
It is necessary to establish order and behavioural guidelines for the 2, 3, 4 ....
Although these fights can be exhausting, they are normal and part of a passing stage and above all they are the tools available to children to express their feelings.
Therefore, we have to see it as something normal and natural and even necessary in the socialisation process of children.
We have to let them try to resolve conflicts for themselves, to negotiate. We must see it as another way of communicating, of learning to manage problems.
But the fact that we consider fights between siblings as something normal and natural does not mean that as parents we should be indifferent to this situation. That is why it is important to know the most appropriate strategies and actions to deal with these situations.
Normally, most of us feel a certain resistance to the rules that are imposed on us, i.e. those that are decided without taking our opinion into account.
When we actively participate in a decision or rule we feel more motivated to comply with it. Therefore, adults must guide this process and try to reach fair agreements for us and for the children. And that is NOT the same as letting the child impose his or her own will, but rules can be discussed and agreed upon.
Not setting limits in order not to enter into conflict in the end is expensive.
When we talk about setting limits for our children, establishing norms, we can say that there are many aspects that are often swept aside. Is it necessary to set them? Can there be a child without them? What are the consequences of all this?
We must not forget that when we are born we are born into a society that is implicitly governed by certain norms, beliefs and values, and these are transmitted in many ways.
The day to day of bringing up a child involves many moments, some of them very good and others that make you feel like a "dick", but all of them are necessary to learn and grow up.
Extremes are not good. Living in an environment of excessive rules and limits leaves little room for the development of the child's personality. autonomy and personal freedom and on the contrary, to grow up in an environment where they can do whatever they want without any consequences of their actions, without knowing what is good and what is not also has undesirable effects.
Knowing how to transmit rules and limits in a clear and uncritical way also requires self-control on our part, as we are not only parents but also people, and good advice in this area can help us to improve our interaction with our children and to transmit limits in a calmer and healthier way.
The task of educating is a process that aims to lead the child from total DEPENDENCE to AUTONOMY so that he/she can develop his/her abilities to the maximum.
There are no magic recipes for being a good parent and for ensuring that your child is happy and well-adjusted.
We can say that there are certain "ingredients" that combined in the right measure, can facilitate the educational task and contribute to a healthy upbringing: Affection and communication, making them feel loved and cared for, rules and limits adjusted to their age and autonomy, promoting independent and responsible behaviour.
HOW to combine these aspects will depend on many factors as well as on the child's specific situation, personality, maturity level, beliefs and values as a parent. There is no one-size-fits-all formula for all children, nor for all situations. That is why the educational style of parents should be "flexible".
All parents are different from each other (because apart from being parents, you are people) and it is difficult to find two parents exactly the same: some are more affectionate, others more strict, controlling, etc... the combination of these elements of affection, communication and control varies from one parent to another, that is why we can speak of DIFFERENT EDUCATIONAL STYLES.
We can speak of a wide range of educational styles:
Authoritarian - permissive - overprotective - intermittent - democratic
It should be taken into account that the educational styles or ways of behaving with their children does not mean that a parent "always" behaves in the same way with their child, but rather that we speak of "their usual tendency".
There are several factors that determine the educational patterns that parents follow:
One's own personality
Personal history
Past experiences
The way you were brought up
Social fashions
Most parents find it very difficult to accept their children unconditionally as well as to accept themselves. This is why it is easy to fall into the trap of evaluating our children by attacking the whole person rather than focusing on behaviour, thus tending to judge them as good or bad depending on how they behave.
The first step in learning to accept yourself is to understand that you are not a simple entity that can be judged as good or bad. You are a complex set of behaviours, traits and characteristics, some desirable and some not so desirable. It makes no sense to say that as a person you are either good or bad or worthless. Rather, you are a person who does both good and bad, and who does not like useless or unnecessary behaviours. It is also illogical to reject yourself as a bad or worthless person, just because you have behaved badly. Surely there have been times when you have behaved well, and there will probably be many times in the future when you will behave badly. To say that one is bad or useless implies that one will always be bad, and this is impossible.
So it is important that we learn to accept ourselves so that we can help our children to accept themselves.
The following suggestions can help teach your children to accept themselves:
Work to accept yourself as you are. Set a good example.
Override any negative behaviour when your children make mistakes or misbehave; instead of getting angry at their bad behaviour, help them to change that behaviour. Your critical action can be more pleasant if you start by praising a good action you have noticed in their behaviour.
Comment as much or more on good behaviour as on bad behaviour.
Don't tell your children that they are good when they get along, but do show them that you like the way they are behaving.
Don't manipulate your children by condemning, rejecting or using expressions such as "You'll kill me soon", "You make me miserable" etc. You will only be teaching them to become depressed and to use guilt for manipulating other people.
Accept responsibility for creating your own feelings, and show your children that they are equally sensitive to create their own.
Help your children understand how complex feelings are: explain to them that they are made up of different peculiarities, characteristics and behaviours.
Teach your children to be responsible for what they do, but not to blame themselves or others if things go wrong, making it clear that you would not blame them either.
Encourage them to accept their mistakes. Growing up involves taking risks and making mistakes. If they accept themselves and their mistakes, they will be risk takers, which will greatly enhance their growth process.
As parents we have our own fears and anxieties about how we evaluate reality. We can choose to feel less fear and work to change beliefs about the world.
When faced with the thought "I would be devastated if I failed to be a perfect parent", it is important to remember that there are no perfect parents. While it is undesirable to make mistakes, it is an inevitable part of being a parent and of being human.
Instead of thinking "My children must always be safe", remember that all children experience dangers and unpleasant situations at some time and that these are important for their growth and development, so they learn to cope with and accept them.
Instead of thinking "If something is dangerous, I will worry all the time", remember that no one can prevent worrying. Do what you can to deal with the danger, and then forget about it.
Instead of saying "It would be terrible to lose the love and approval of my children and other people", accept the reality that no one gets to be loved and approved at all times, and that there is nothing terrible about this.
Rather than believing "I have to worry about my children if I want to be a good parent", think that you will be a better parent if you care about your children without being afraid.
By working to combat your own fears you create an emotionally positive environment for yourself, you are maximising your expectations of being the "best parent" you can be and you are also increasing the certainty that your children can effectively combat your own mistakes.
Be tolerant of yourself and your children. Being a parent can be fraught with frustrations. Most of the time, children interfere with our plans. Does this mean that parents should feel angry, resentful or depressed in the face of these constant frustrations? Although you may choose to get upset with yourself when you feel frustrated, you also have other alternatives. Frustration is more of an event than a feeling. A frustration is any obstacle that stands between you and your goal. And therefore, it is how you view that obstacle that will determine your feelings when you are blocked from achieving your goals. So, it is possible, as parents, to feel angry rather than disillusioned and angry when confronted with frustration.
All human beings experience some frustration every day, it is natural that obstacles interfere with our plans and goals. As we have said before, it is not the presence of frustration that unsettles us, but our attitude towards it. People who have L.T.F. (Low Frustration Tolerance) regard any impediment or obstacle in their way as dreadful and horrible, so they are often upset. These people are so busy trying to get things to go their way that they become upset to the point of being unable to cope with the current situation.
B.T.F. is related to catastrophism and demands. When you are frustrated, what you want most is for there to be no frustration, and the more you complain and lament, the less you will achieve your goal, the less tolerant you will become of frustration and the more distressed you will become.
Some of the irrational thoughts, which we as parents may have and which indicate B.T.F. are the following:
"Parents who hold this belief are creating their own frustrations, because children do not always do what parents want.
"My children should not interfere with my plans" Naturally there will be times when your children will be an inconvenience to you. If you demand that this is never the case, you are creating the potential for frequent frustration.
"My partner and I agree on how to manage our children" It would be preferable if you could always agree, but this is not always the case, which leads to discomfort and inconvenience.
"Parents who believe this are often frustrated that there will be times when children will not respect and reject them.
"It would be awful if I wasn't a perfect parent" - not seeing himself as a perfect parent, he catastrophises and becomes emotionally anxious.
"It's appalling that my children keep me away from events I want to go to" 'Complaining is appalling, it just makes the situation worse!
If you agree with two or more of these previous thoughts, you probably identify that you have a low tolerance for frustration. Before feeling offended or depressed, change the situation by "accepting" your children's demands.
Thus, our children often have great problems in learning to cope with frustrations, because although there are temperamental differences, they are not born with the ability to tolerate discomfort and therefore it is a learning process. As parents you can be very helpful to your children by helping them learn to increase their tolerance of frustration and discomfort, so in order to help tolerate frustration in our children, we must first learn to tolerate our own frustrations. It is important to observe ourselves in order to learn to manage ourselves.
The role of parents is not easy. Every day there are situations and behaviours that arise in front of which they feel upset and angry. Have you ever thought that in front of a specific situation you can decide whether to get angry or not?
Anger is a learned reaction to frustration that almost never serves any purpose and almost always has unintended consequences. You can choose to be less angry with yourself and your children.
You can work on your anger
Not "catastrophising".
Being aware that even if you don't like it, you can put up with anything your child does.
Replace the demand that your child behave as you want them to, with the desire and preference for them to do so.
Express disapproval of a special and specific trait of your child, while fully accepting it without condemning it.
As you practice thinking in a different way, you will see your feelings and behaviours change, so that the frequency, intensity and duration of pleasant feelings will increase, and unpleasant feelings will decrease for you and your child.
Thus, you can help your children to control their dislikes.
React to your child's anger calmly. If you get angry yourself, you are sending a message that it is OK to get angry if you don't get what you want. On the other hand, if you are calm and collected, you are setting a good example of how to manage your frustration, and increase the likelihood that your child will calm down.
Eliminate unnecessary frustrations. Children feel overwhelmed when they have a lot of frustration, so if you try to keep frustrations low, you will be more successful if you start with a minimum amount of frustrations. Once you know how to manage the small frustrations, you will learn to manage the big ones.
Children tend to be frustrated by discomfort, such as fatigue, hunger, heat and cold. Accept this fact.
Do not punish your child for expressing anger. Show him with words and deeds that even if you don't like his behaviour, you still love him.
Help your children understand that they are responsible for creating their own anger and teach them to exchange it for irritation or discontent.
It is advisable for very young children to express their anger. When you see that it is useless to change your child's anger through reasoning, suggest an alternative activity, such as running an errand or visiting a friend, to calm him or her down. Wait until they are calm before trying to help them control themselves better next time.
Try not to cheat your child.
You can manage feelings of jealousy by helping them understand that they cannot have everything they want.
Remember that your positive attention and praise is a tool of strength that can also be used. If you show little attention in anger, and instead pay attention to calm responses, your child will begin to react calmly more often.
Try to keep a sense of humour when dealing with an angry child, this will help you to control the situation more easily.
Children also get angry and create emotional problems, they can also benefit from learning skills to solve these problems. While you work on solving your own emotional problems, you can help your children to solve theirs too. The following suggestions can teach these skills:
- Model appropriate feelings and skills for your children. Children learn a lot from your behaviour by observing and imitating your responses.
- Express your feelings, so that you can identify and label the feelings of others and your own.
- Don't blame your children for how you feel. For example, instead of saying "em fas enfadar" or "em fas por quan fas això", say "m'enfado" or "sento por quan fas això...".
- Share thoughts with your children, showing how some feelings are formed. For example, if you are angry you could say "I'm getting angry myself because I'm telling myself that you shouldn't do that. It would be better if I said to myself that I wish you wouldn't do that".
- Help your children learn how to create their feelings by asking them how they feel when they express their feelings.
- Accept them without taking into account the feelings they express, so that they can better accept their feelings.
- Make them see that demands are a source of frustration.
- It helps them to learn to be more aware of the reality that is so catastrophising or minimising.
- Reinforce them when they show appropriate emotional responses.
- Provide them with rational ideas for young children rather than expecting them to come up with rational thoughts for themselves. For example, you can teach a child who is afraid of the dark by saying "There is nothing in the dark that we can be afraid of. Nothing is going to hurt you. The only difference between light and darkness is that you can't see as well as you can with light. "
- Assenyala les conseqüències positives de pensar racionalment. Emphasises that learning to think rationally "builds emotional muscle".
- Remember that human beings make mistakes, and that is a pity, but it is not horrible, terrible or frightening if they do.
- Ignore your children when they cry. Paying attention to their cries increases the likelihood that they will cry in the future.
- Show them irrational thoughts in television shows, popular songs and films. Encourage them to be rational detectives and to look for examples of rational and irrational thinking in their environment.
- Read stories or rational stories to your children.
- Don't expect your children to behave rationally all the time. Accept them even when they do not. You don't have to like their behaviour to accept them as human beings.
- It teaches them practical problem-solving skills, so that they learn to solve their own practical problems and emotional problems.
Each of us lights up our own lives and creates our own measure of happiness. Children and adults can learn to light up their lives in this way:
Taking responsibility for the fact that we are the ones who create our own feelings.
Choosing to create appropriate, rather than inappropriate feelings
Having many sources of satisfaction at any given time, so if one is not going well, we have others to choose from.
We each have the power to enlighten our lives, generating our own happiness and contentment. Therefore we should not depend on others for feelings of contentment and well-being. Although interactions with others may be pleasant, they are not necessary for happiness, for within each of us there is the unique current needed to illuminate our lives and keep the light on.
The warm and happy emotions that you have probably experienced when you imagine people brightening your life did not come from those people, but you created those positive feelings, just as you create negative thoughts when you evaluate situations and people negatively. Therefore, you have the power to brighten your own life and to teach your children to brighten theirs by being responsible for your own feelings and choosing to view situations and people more rationally.
So, before you can teach your children how to create their own happiness so that they can enlighten their own lives, it is better to learn how to do it yourself in order to learn to think more productively and functionally.
The education of children causes a lot of insecurities, anguish, guilt, shame, depression or anger. Good education is transmitted from the family nucleus, the child's closest environment, which is why it is very important to know how we can do it.
Being a parent is not easy, it is an all-consuming job, it involves many sacrifices and sometimes our emotions sabotage us and interfere with our ability to deal with the situation in a calm and/or functional way.
There are no magic solutions or recipes, but we must be aware that we adults are responsible for educating and accompanying our children in the management of their emotions, and for this it is important that we learn to manage our own emotions.
So, to solve any "problem situation" we must focus on ourselves and not on our children, the change must be focused on us.
It is important to learn to change the way we look at things, parents need to work hard on patience and irrational ideas.
Our therapy model, Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy (REBT) applied to parents aims to provide tools that allow us to better manage the dysfunctional behaviour of our children, learning to manage our emotions. The aim is not only to teach skills to manage our children's behaviour, but also to learn to change our own attitudes in relation to parenting. It is important that as parents we develop a new point of view that allows us to be more decisive.
The patient is the child, but shifting the spotlight means looking at our own emotions, it is important to learn to manage our own emotions in order to better deal with our children's behaviours.
When parents separate, the family organisation changes and is conditioned by the custody arrangement. Each family is different and we must try to ensure, as far as possible, the well-being of the child.
It is a time of many changes and it will take a period of time to adjust and to be able to function normally again.
It is important to be attentive to how children are adjusting to the changes and to give them space for good emotional management.
In many cases, having psychological support allows them to express the fears, doubts and insecurities that make them anxious and nervous. Providing information that they can understand and that is appropriate will allow them to feel secure and knowledgeable about the changes.
